Breaking Up

Wow, I forgot how much this sucked. :lol

I'm totally gonna vamp on here cuz I think it's good to try and sort some of this stuff out by writing it, and the last time I was broken up with I totally used this site a crutch then too, haha. Anyways, I just wanted to say that it doesn't get any easier when you get older. In some ways, it kinda makes it worse, cuz you feel like the clock has ticked down some and in the back of your mind you're kind of worried you might not meet someone else. And then there's the part of you that never wants to meet someone else. That part of you that feels like that was the one, or that was so close to being the one you'll never get any closer. It's also just really tough to let go of all those things you had planned and imagined in your mind would one day happen. It's like 10 dreams die all at the same time and you have no idea what you're going to dream about anymore.

Anyways, if anyone else out there has a bleeding hear and wants to share some stories of grief, nothing eases the pain like knowing other people have been/are going through this too. Though in a way I'm really hoping no one else out there is feeling like this. Ugh

Also, coping mechanisms? Suggestions would be appreciated.

I was cheated on. My girlfriend at the time, and my best friend. I bottled it up, kept them both in my life, and swore id take the rage out on an inmate one day (I work in a prison).

There's several ways to cope - drugs, sex, alcohol, rebound, but the only healthy one is time. It sucks, it hurts, and chances are it'll probably happen again but time will fix it (mostly) and if you get impatient you can always suppliment with some of the a fore mentioned activities!

But really, if this relationship didn't work out, you just cleared out room for one that will.

jr_mcg said:

I was cheated on. My girlfriend at the time, and my best friend. I bottled it up, kept them both in my life, and swore id take the rage out on an inmate one day (I work in a prison).

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That sounds like a really bad idea. :lol I'm really hoping you're not serious.

That's horrible though. I can't imagine how that would feel. Tough break man. That seriously sucks.

targetrasp said:

There's several ways to cope - drugs, sex, alcohol, rebound, but the only healthy one is time. It sucks, it hurts, and chances are it'll probably happen again but time will fix it (mostly) and if you get impatient you can always suppliment with some of the a fore mentioned activities!

But really, if this relationship didn't work out, you just cleared out room for one that will.

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Yeah, the last part is the truth for sure. Luckily for me, I'm the type of person who has no interest in any of those things when they're feeling low. Booze and such makes the good times better, but the bad times worse.

I am really hoping this is the last one I'll have to go through, haha. Odds are you're right, but wow, getting through it right now is tough enough. I don't want to think I'm gonna have to go through it again sometime in the future.

Thanks, both of you.

The best thing to do is just live it up while you're single. After the initial pain is over and you get your mojo back I think you will realize that being single has a lot of perks, and dating can be really fun. Honestly, I haven't had a steady "girlfriend" for a long time, but I date a lot and I feel like I have had many experiences I wouldn't have if I were in a committed relationship.

So go have a few really hard workouts, let it all out, and then go enjoy your life for a while {until you get the old ball and chain back! lol}.

I don't want to be serious either. But I've accepted it.

Its really difficult because you put so much of yourself into a relationship and at the end of it it seems like you've wasted all that time. A lot of people are different when they are connected to someone, the best thing you can do is find yourself, who you are, when you're single. I broke up with my kids mother a year ago and am still (even after a year) reconnecting with some of the things I used to be involved in, some of my friends that didn't like or didn't fit the relationship I had with her. It's amazing, I was able to move my weight bench and my arcade machine back in the house, I'm able to "tech out" my kids rooms, Don't have to have 9000 thousand pillows on the couch and bed, and my shower drain doesn't look like I shaved a wookie. Dating is rough with kids, especially young ones, but really I don't miss it.

stealth toilet said:

In some ways, it kinda makes it worse, cuz you feel like the clock has ticked down some and in the back of your mind you're kind of worried you might not meet someone else.

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Yeah, I know what you mean. I mean, I'm only 23, but back when I was younger I always thought I would have been graduated from college and married by now. I'm just about to graduate, don't have a job yet, and could be literally anywhere in the country when I do get a job (which is kinda why I've intentionally not pursued a potential relationship in the last 4ish months. Didn't want to make things harder than they had to be with a long-term relationship).

My concern is that I will seriously not be making much money out of college. I would be amazed if I got a job for more than $15 an hour. $15 an hour, while paying off college loans and apartment bills and living expenses does not leave much room to go out and meet someone.

My suggestion is to mess with her. Like, if you're going down, might as well bring her down too. Like trying to make her jealous and stuff. Always made me feel better.

targetrasp said:

Its really difficult because you put so much of yourself into a relationship and at the end of it it seems like you've wasted all that time. A lot of people are different when they are connected to someone, the best thing you can do is find yourself, who you are, when you're single. I broke up with my kids mother a year ago and am still (even after a year) reconnecting with some of the things I used to be involved in, some of my friends that didn't like or didn't fit the relationship I had with her. It's amazing, I was able to move my weight bench and my arcade machine back in the house, I'm able to "tech out" my kids rooms, Don't have to have 9000 thousand pillows on the couch and bed, and my shower drain doesn't look like I shaved a wookie. Dating is rough with kids, especially young ones, but really I don't miss it.

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How can I *favorite* this post? I love it.

mastermario said:

My suggestion is to mess with her. Like, if you're going down, might as well bring her down too. Like trying to make her jealous and stuff. Always made me feel better.

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:lol

For real.

I was in a relationship with my kids dad for about 14 years, and he was my first bf. It took tons of work growing and watering that relationship, I gave my all to it, and changed who I was for it, and lost all my self esteem and self confidence becuz of it. But still after breaking up with him and getting divorced it felt like I had lost tons of my life....tons of years of sacrifice and hard work that I had thought was going somewheres...but it wasn't.

Breaking up sucks and feels miserable even if the relationship was doomed and crappy. Being single after being used to being with a single person for so long feels very lonely too.

And when u start the next relationship there is so much baggage, and u r so adjusted to the last person that it takes a lot of work adjusting, lots of time, and it feels depressing to know u r all the way back at the beggining of the level with no power ups er anything at all, and u don't know if u will fall off the edge of the cliff again when u r almost at the end of the game again, so its hard to trust and give it all. Hard not to hold back a bit.

If u r interested in eventually getting in a relationship again, I am sure u can find a woman who fits u tho...there r tons of ladies out there.

I really do not reccomend wasting time on rubbing anything in ur ex's face er doing anything to get back at her tho...that just builds up and feeds on the hate, bitterness, anger etc...which are all negative emotions...feed positive ones...doing things for u that make u feel better about u.

Some stuff takes a long time to get over and some stuff u prolly never do get over... I feel like becuz of my last relationship I feel like men in general are almost never attractive to me anymore. Like, something broke inside me and I see them as selfish, controlling people who only use you and hurt you when in a sexual relationship with u (I feel fine about them if u remove the sexual aspect from the equation). I do not know how to fix the broken part of my mind. I have tried, but it just seems sort of destroyed.

( I know it might seem weird for me to be saying that since I am now married again, but the guy I am with now does not feel like a 'man' in my head, he feels like a teenage boy mixed with a woman and a wolf...so it feels ok...soft, gentle, with a strong feminine and child-like side...like how lots of anime guys usually feel)

And anytime he feels like 'men' I feel extremely unattracted. Now, I know that is super duper messed up thinking and I probably need counseling etc etc, and maybe I will eventually go get it. I did not know that divorce...or even staying in a bad relationship for so long would mess up my mind so bad.

From talking to people about this I've realized my situation is really not that bad. I don't have kids, I have my own place, I've got my own friends, I'm still very young (relatively), I wasn't married -- basically, unlike a lot of people's situations, mine is at least simple. It's heartbreaking, of course, but there's nothing that really complicates it beyond that, which is a huge advantage for my recovering relatively unscathed. Stories like yours, Gelfwings, are really helpful to me. I'm sorry I can't be of similar service to you, but I can say that reading your post just now has really comforted me. Thank you for sharing.

It took tons of work growing and watering that relationship, I gave my all to it, and changed who I was for it, and lost all my self esteem and self confidence becuz of it.

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Nailed it. Even now, with the perspective I've gained from being out of that relationship for a few days, I can already see all the ways in which I was sacrificing trying to make it work, but was really losing parts of myself along the way. I know any successful relationship is going to require sacrifice and giving one's own wants and desires up to some extent, but I was way beyond anything rational. I was depressed a lot of the time too, and wasn't dealing with it in healthy ways at all. I'm depressed now too, but it's different. I feel in control of myself, capable of changing the things about my life and myself that I don't like. Before when I was depressed, I didn't feel like I had any control at all. I had so much self-esteem and confidence wrapped up in one person that they could make or break me, and during the last few months, they were breaking me. My response should have been to stand my ground and realize that either they needed to give a bit too, or I needed to get out, but instead I thought if I gave up more of myself that would save the relationship and all the confidence and self-esteem I had wrapped up in it.

Nope.

Tough lesson to learn, and even now, if she were to ask, I'd consider going back in. I don't know if I would or not, but the offer would be extremely tempting, and I honestly hope I just don't have the option (although deep down, the part of me I don't trust to make that decision still hopes I do).

Gelfwings said:

I really do not reccomend wasting time on rubbing anything in ur ex's face er doing anything to get back at her tho...that just builds up and feeds on the hate, bitterness, anger etc...which are all negative emotions...feed positive ones...doing things for u that make u feel better about u.

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I think the big reason I did this was because my most recent ex is in the same major as I am, we were both in the band together, and we both have a lot of the same friends. So I see her everyyyywherrree. Ran into her Wednesday, actually. It makes me mad to see her happy, so I try to f* it up as much as I can.

Am I a d-bag? Prolly. But she was the worst girlfriend I have ever had and she treated me like garbage. So what goes around, comes around.

:lol

Honestly though, I think the best way of "getting back" at someone who dumped you is to just move on as quickly as possible. If you're still doing things for their benefit/detriment, you're still validating them one way or another, and it only hinders your own personal development and happiness.

I think the best "revenge" is to not want any revenge, or credit, or anything from your ex. Once they realize you're over them, they might want you back, or want you to be vindictive and messed up because of them, or feel bad, but it won't matter, because you'll be beyond all that.

Coincidentally, that's also the high/mature road to take.

stealth toilet said:

:lol

Honestly though, I think the best way of "getting back" at someone who dumped you is to just move on as quickly as possible. If you're still doing things for their benefit/detriment, you're still validating them one way or another, and it only hinders your own personal development and happiness.

I think the best "revenge" is to not want any revenge, or credit, or anything from your ex. Once they realize you're over them, they might want you back, or want you to be vindictive and messed up because of them, or feel bad, but it won't matter, because you'll be beyond all that.

Coincidentally, that's also the high/mature road to take.

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100% agreed! Sometimes the way to make somebody want you the most is to not want them at all {or at least, act like you don't}. If you're going out of your way to rub things in their face it shows you still care/think about them, and they love that.

stealth toilet said:

:lol

Honestly though, I think the best way of "getting back" at someone who dumped you is to just move on as quickly as possible. If you're still doing things for their benefit/detriment, you're still validating them one way or another, and it only hinders your own personal development and happiness.

I think the best "revenge" is to not want any revenge, or credit, or anything from your ex. Once they realize you're over them, they might want you back, or want you to be vindictive and messed up because of them, or feel bad, but it won't matter, because you'll be beyond all that.

Coincidentally, that's also the high/mature road to take.

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I think this is excellent advice...as long as you are still trying to rub things in an ex's face, er worrying bout what they will think, or trying to show them how great u r, er how u got a hotter new bf/gf etc...as long as it has anything at all to do with ur ex...you are still under their control..it is still all about them...it needs to be about you. If u wanna be happy then things from ur past have to be in the past, they can't be getting dragged around in the present.

I mean, we can all learn from mistakes we made in the past, but the past tends to affect people negatively if they do not leave it in the past.

It's not about making ur ex miserable er happy er anything else...they r ur ex.

My ex purposefully did things to get back at me er make me mad er hurt me after I left...and ya, the stuff upset er annoyed me...but I dunno that it accomplished anything at all for him...he still did not have me. And I still did not want him. It just made me think he was extremely immature and made me feel even better about the decision I had made to leave him. I still have to deal with him, becuz we have kids together, but once he decided to quit trying to make things hard and just be a responsible normal adult when talking to me etc...then stuff went much much smoother, and he seemed to feel better emotionally, and I felt way less annoyed and everything just seemed easier for everyone involved.

I just wish I could figure out how to get over some of the emotional damage he caused. It's one thing to say u need to move on and not live in the past, and another thing to be able to actually do it :/